6 days

It's been 6 days since my surgery. Every day has gotten a bit easier, until Sunday. I was in excruciating pain all Sunday, and I didn't figure it out why until Sunday night. Chuck had so sweetly gone to the store and gotten me a myriad of foods including yogurts and soups. Not thinking, I ate about 2 oz of strawberry fat free yogurt last Saturday night. The yogurt itself wasn't bad, but I totally forgot about no fruit pieces in my yogurt.

I will not make that mistake again. It was all I could do do get up and go to the restroom. This didn't help my emotions, and I cried when my husband brought home chips and salsa for a snack (one of my faves). I don't really have full buyer's remorse, I'm happy I had this done. I just really miss biting food and tasting all kinds of flavors.

Luckily, before all this, Chuck rigged a seat in the shower (we used one of our coolers with a towel on top for me to sit on) and I got to wash my hair. SO much hair came out it wasn't funny. I normally lose a lot of hair, but this was easily twice the amount. However, it should be known that I hadn't really brushed it in like 3 days-it was mostly in a pony. Then later my friend Jamie came for a visit, with her kids, and I was up and alert for the longest time since being home.

Today I feel oh so much better. Chuck stayed home an extra day and to take me to the nutrition store (GNC) an to get some soups from Freddies. We stopped first at GNC, which was a mistake. The guy working there was such an asshole. We walked around looking to see what protein powders and shakes they had available. The salesman flat out ignored us for a few minutes then asked if we were looking for anything in particular. I said I was looking for a protein powder that was low in sugar. He looked at me weird and showed me some meal replacement shakes that were the GNC brand. I mentioned that I'd had the surgery and was looking for a powder that I could mix into other things, not a ready made shake. I had moved my arm when I said it, and apparently he thought I had indicated some shelf full of the weight gaining proteins body builders use. He started lecturing me about proteins and how that wasn't the kind for me and blah blah blah. I interrupted him (well tried to) and said I wasn't indicating those kind particularly, just a non-favored powder in general.

Since that didn't get us anywhere I asked if he could recommend a chewable vitamin. He IMMEDIATELY responded saying that he never recommends a chewable vitamin for an adult and started lecturing on that. I got really mad. I said that I had just had surgery and was recommended by my surgeon to get a chewable multi-vitamin (I already have one, just wanted to see what else was out there). He then tried to tell me he knows all these people who've had the surgery and they never would have used chewable vitamins. I tried to tell him that I didn't want liquid vitamins - which is exactly what he was steering me to. We paid for a couple of premade shakes and left.

We then stopped at a local store that caters to body builders. They had wall to wall protein powders! The owner was super nice and said how great I looked being a week out, and gave me some samples of the Isopure flavored powders. He also showed us the premade drinks they have. We ended up buying a big container of the unflavored Isopure protein powder and an orange/peach Isopure smoothie. (so good!).

We then went to Freddies and got some soups, I used the little cart to get around in. We looked at some hand blenders for my puree stage next week, but decided to wait. Doesn't seem to make much sense to spend that much money. We had to stop and get my glasses fixed, then picked the kiddo up from school. I was so grateful to be home...I'm exhausted and its time for my pain pill.

The other side

Here I am! on the other side! All the doubts and all the fears - I am so glad it's over!

So Monday night we dropped the kids off with my cousin and I packed my bag with any essentials I may need. My husband took my 'before' pics, and looking at them made me so sad. I took a long hot shower and actually managed to sleep for a few hours before taking off for the hospital.

It took 3 times to get an IV in (my nurse had to call in her charge nurse - my veins are that bad!) but once it was in I was off and rolling to the operating room. I remember them moving me to the operating table and then telling me to take a few deep breaths. The next thing I knew i was in short stay - and in excruciating pain. It took about an hour for them to get my pain under control. Then finally they moved me up to my room around 10:30 (by myself I may add), and dozed off and on for a couple of hours.

My husband didn't get to my room until after 1. Apparently they were only able to leave him a message, so he didnt know what was going on. I was so relieved when he made it though, and was able to relax a bit more at that point. they got me up and out of bed at about 2:30, to try and go pee. Which was impossible. I just couldn't go. I knew it was there, but it refused to come out. I sat there for over an hour. We tried everything - I got up and walked around a little bit and putting my hand in warm water. No dice. So the nurse ended up catheterizing me, but immediately took it back out once my bladder was emptied. I eventually was able to go a little while later and can hopefully escape the catheter for the rest of my stay.

At this point I've had quite a bit of head hunger, and my stomach doesn't feel any different. I started sipping water, and even some protein shake, but I didn't notice any fullness or hunger. There's been a lot of gas and I feel pretty bloated. I've even let out quite a few good burps.

My cousin brought the kids over for a visit last night, and I think it was good for them to see me. They don't fully understand what everything, but i think Gaven especially was feeling much better after seeing me.

After their visit we tried to catch a couple of our shows but I drifted in and out. Thankfully they are recording on our DVR at home. Chuck slept on the recliner chair next to my bed, and was able to sleep through most of the night. I of course, was awakened several times for random reasons - as well as trying to force myself to pee. Chuck left about 5:30 to go home and shower, it was so hot in my room that we've both been sweating!

They're talking about taking me off the pain pump soon :( and starting me on pills. Looks like I'll be heading home tomorrow!

Well that's the best I can do as an update in my drug addled state. I'm so glad I did this, even though I would kill for some food right now :).

And here we are

Surgery is in the morning. I only worked half the day today, since I found that concentrating was difficult being on a liquid diet. It was nice to come home and take a nap, I found sleeping was easier than watching tv (and seeing all the food!).

I just dropped the kids off at my cousin's house and am now trying to keep myself busy. I don't know if I'm going to sleep tonight at all. So I plan on packing my bags, taking a long, hot shower, and trying to relax before we go in.

We're leaving the house by 4:45 for the 5:30 check in. Surgery is at 7:30 am. Wish me luck! See you on the other side - the loser's bench!

The final stretch

My surgery is in 8 days.

I'm having mixed feelings. Which I honestly did not expect. I attacked this process like I do anything else, feet first. I hit full force and don't stop until either I've completed my task or I've grown completely bored with it and walk away.

I'm not backing out, and I haven't completed the process. I feel like I'm in a weird state of limbo, and left to my own devices. The kids are gone for spring break, so I find myself with a bit more free time than I'm used to. And that finds me thinking. And thinking. And thinking.

What am I about to do to myself? Am I sure this is what I want?

So worry and doubt creep in, which isn't how I usually handle things. Like I said, I usually jump in feet first, which rarely gives any time for thinking and worrying about the outcome. So here I sit, thinking and worrying, wondering how long I'll regret my decision after it becomes permanent.

I'm doing better with my pre-op diet now, and am spending this week weaning myself off coffee. I found out last week that the short-term disability coverage at my work doesn't start until the day of surgery. Since it's on a Tuesday, I'd have to take vacation for Monday if I want it off. So it looks like I'll be working, which is going to suck since I'll be on clear liquids all day. I have a feeling I'm going to be a roller coaster of emotions since I'll be hungry and anxious and excited all at the same time. I am certainly looking forward to some time off from work!

Emotions

They can really get the best of me. And being on this journey has made me realize just how emotional of a person I really am. And how much I rely on food to drive the vehicle.

The closer surgery gets, the more emotional I am. Makes sense, right? I've been on auto-pilot the last few days. Each meal I tell myself to enjoy, because it will be so long before I taste it again. I'm using that as an excuse to eat things that I haven't eaten in a long time. I KNEW that the 'last meal' syndrome would do me in. I have 2 weeks until surgery. I cannot use that time to gorge myself into oblivion.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a binge eater. I'm a crappy food eater. I want the butter with my potatoes, the chocolate with my ice cream, the cheese with my broccoli. I realized this morning that if I don't start to pull myself back, I'm going to gain weight before my surgery. There is just so much going on right now, and I need to learn to face my feelings rather than stuffing them with bad food choices.

I've only been going to the gym about 2 nights per week, which is like half of what I had planned. I'm pretty unhappy with myself right now, and feeling rather crappy. And crabby.

I'm still here

And with great news!

My surgery has been approved - AND scheduled!

I go under the knife April 3rd! Only 3 weeks away. So close - yet so far. There's so much to do and prepare for, both mentally and physically. I'm trying to not be overwhelmed by the whole thing. The closer it gets the more edgy I will be, especially because I have so many other things on my plate to deal with right now.

It will be hard to not allow myself to comfort eat, and will have to face my feelings head on. But, I'm ready. You can only do so much preparing, ya know?

Busy as a bee...

I haven't posted in a while, I know. I keep meaning to update, but life keeps getting away from me.

Oh, where to start?

Well...lets start with work, since that's what is taking up most of my time. I'm on a team of 3, and right now we're a man (well woman) down. Not only is she out for at least a month, but she was 3 months behind when she left! So my other teammate (I'll call him Jay) and I split up her work and have been slaving away at our keyboards. The nice thing is that my boss has allowed us overtime, and I could sorely use the money.

On another note, I had my sleep study last week! It was originally scheduled for March 5th, but they called me last thursday with a last minute opening - for that night! So I only worked an hour overtime, rushed to the store and grabbed the family dinner and rushed off to the hospital. It was surreal. I felt like a science experiment. I woke up SO many times that night. The technician told me that if I had 20 episodes of sleep apnea by 3 am they'd put the CPAP machine on, but luckily I only had 12. At least now I know I do have apnea, and that contributes why I'm so exhausted all the time.



Yesterday was my meeting with the surgeon. She's such a tiny little thing! And so very nice. She agreed that the bypass would be my best option, and told me that I could expect to lose anywhere from 90-120 lbs or more (depending on how active I am). She showed me where my scars would be, and gave me the pre-op diet. At this point they're submitting to my insurance and now it's just the waiting game! I'm literally on pins and needles!

I have to take my measurements and start before/after pictures. Every day I look in the mirror and think about how that person looking back at me is about to change. For the better, of course!