6 days

It's been 6 days since my surgery. Every day has gotten a bit easier, until Sunday. I was in excruciating pain all Sunday, and I didn't figure it out why until Sunday night. Chuck had so sweetly gone to the store and gotten me a myriad of foods including yogurts and soups. Not thinking, I ate about 2 oz of strawberry fat free yogurt last Saturday night. The yogurt itself wasn't bad, but I totally forgot about no fruit pieces in my yogurt.

I will not make that mistake again. It was all I could do do get up and go to the restroom. This didn't help my emotions, and I cried when my husband brought home chips and salsa for a snack (one of my faves). I don't really have full buyer's remorse, I'm happy I had this done. I just really miss biting food and tasting all kinds of flavors.

Luckily, before all this, Chuck rigged a seat in the shower (we used one of our coolers with a towel on top for me to sit on) and I got to wash my hair. SO much hair came out it wasn't funny. I normally lose a lot of hair, but this was easily twice the amount. However, it should be known that I hadn't really brushed it in like 3 days-it was mostly in a pony. Then later my friend Jamie came for a visit, with her kids, and I was up and alert for the longest time since being home.

Today I feel oh so much better. Chuck stayed home an extra day and to take me to the nutrition store (GNC) an to get some soups from Freddies. We stopped first at GNC, which was a mistake. The guy working there was such an asshole. We walked around looking to see what protein powders and shakes they had available. The salesman flat out ignored us for a few minutes then asked if we were looking for anything in particular. I said I was looking for a protein powder that was low in sugar. He looked at me weird and showed me some meal replacement shakes that were the GNC brand. I mentioned that I'd had the surgery and was looking for a powder that I could mix into other things, not a ready made shake. I had moved my arm when I said it, and apparently he thought I had indicated some shelf full of the weight gaining proteins body builders use. He started lecturing me about proteins and how that wasn't the kind for me and blah blah blah. I interrupted him (well tried to) and said I wasn't indicating those kind particularly, just a non-favored powder in general.

Since that didn't get us anywhere I asked if he could recommend a chewable vitamin. He IMMEDIATELY responded saying that he never recommends a chewable vitamin for an adult and started lecturing on that. I got really mad. I said that I had just had surgery and was recommended by my surgeon to get a chewable multi-vitamin (I already have one, just wanted to see what else was out there). He then tried to tell me he knows all these people who've had the surgery and they never would have used chewable vitamins. I tried to tell him that I didn't want liquid vitamins - which is exactly what he was steering me to. We paid for a couple of premade shakes and left.

We then stopped at a local store that caters to body builders. They had wall to wall protein powders! The owner was super nice and said how great I looked being a week out, and gave me some samples of the Isopure flavored powders. He also showed us the premade drinks they have. We ended up buying a big container of the unflavored Isopure protein powder and an orange/peach Isopure smoothie. (so good!).

We then went to Freddies and got some soups, I used the little cart to get around in. We looked at some hand blenders for my puree stage next week, but decided to wait. Doesn't seem to make much sense to spend that much money. We had to stop and get my glasses fixed, then picked the kiddo up from school. I was so grateful to be home...I'm exhausted and its time for my pain pill.

The other side

Here I am! on the other side! All the doubts and all the fears - I am so glad it's over!

So Monday night we dropped the kids off with my cousin and I packed my bag with any essentials I may need. My husband took my 'before' pics, and looking at them made me so sad. I took a long hot shower and actually managed to sleep for a few hours before taking off for the hospital.

It took 3 times to get an IV in (my nurse had to call in her charge nurse - my veins are that bad!) but once it was in I was off and rolling to the operating room. I remember them moving me to the operating table and then telling me to take a few deep breaths. The next thing I knew i was in short stay - and in excruciating pain. It took about an hour for them to get my pain under control. Then finally they moved me up to my room around 10:30 (by myself I may add), and dozed off and on for a couple of hours.

My husband didn't get to my room until after 1. Apparently they were only able to leave him a message, so he didnt know what was going on. I was so relieved when he made it though, and was able to relax a bit more at that point. they got me up and out of bed at about 2:30, to try and go pee. Which was impossible. I just couldn't go. I knew it was there, but it refused to come out. I sat there for over an hour. We tried everything - I got up and walked around a little bit and putting my hand in warm water. No dice. So the nurse ended up catheterizing me, but immediately took it back out once my bladder was emptied. I eventually was able to go a little while later and can hopefully escape the catheter for the rest of my stay.

At this point I've had quite a bit of head hunger, and my stomach doesn't feel any different. I started sipping water, and even some protein shake, but I didn't notice any fullness or hunger. There's been a lot of gas and I feel pretty bloated. I've even let out quite a few good burps.

My cousin brought the kids over for a visit last night, and I think it was good for them to see me. They don't fully understand what everything, but i think Gaven especially was feeling much better after seeing me.

After their visit we tried to catch a couple of our shows but I drifted in and out. Thankfully they are recording on our DVR at home. Chuck slept on the recliner chair next to my bed, and was able to sleep through most of the night. I of course, was awakened several times for random reasons - as well as trying to force myself to pee. Chuck left about 5:30 to go home and shower, it was so hot in my room that we've both been sweating!

They're talking about taking me off the pain pump soon :( and starting me on pills. Looks like I'll be heading home tomorrow!

Well that's the best I can do as an update in my drug addled state. I'm so glad I did this, even though I would kill for some food right now :).

And here we are

Surgery is in the morning. I only worked half the day today, since I found that concentrating was difficult being on a liquid diet. It was nice to come home and take a nap, I found sleeping was easier than watching tv (and seeing all the food!).

I just dropped the kids off at my cousin's house and am now trying to keep myself busy. I don't know if I'm going to sleep tonight at all. So I plan on packing my bags, taking a long, hot shower, and trying to relax before we go in.

We're leaving the house by 4:45 for the 5:30 check in. Surgery is at 7:30 am. Wish me luck! See you on the other side - the loser's bench!

The final stretch

My surgery is in 8 days.

I'm having mixed feelings. Which I honestly did not expect. I attacked this process like I do anything else, feet first. I hit full force and don't stop until either I've completed my task or I've grown completely bored with it and walk away.

I'm not backing out, and I haven't completed the process. I feel like I'm in a weird state of limbo, and left to my own devices. The kids are gone for spring break, so I find myself with a bit more free time than I'm used to. And that finds me thinking. And thinking. And thinking.

What am I about to do to myself? Am I sure this is what I want?

So worry and doubt creep in, which isn't how I usually handle things. Like I said, I usually jump in feet first, which rarely gives any time for thinking and worrying about the outcome. So here I sit, thinking and worrying, wondering how long I'll regret my decision after it becomes permanent.

I'm doing better with my pre-op diet now, and am spending this week weaning myself off coffee. I found out last week that the short-term disability coverage at my work doesn't start until the day of surgery. Since it's on a Tuesday, I'd have to take vacation for Monday if I want it off. So it looks like I'll be working, which is going to suck since I'll be on clear liquids all day. I have a feeling I'm going to be a roller coaster of emotions since I'll be hungry and anxious and excited all at the same time. I am certainly looking forward to some time off from work!

Emotions

They can really get the best of me. And being on this journey has made me realize just how emotional of a person I really am. And how much I rely on food to drive the vehicle.

The closer surgery gets, the more emotional I am. Makes sense, right? I've been on auto-pilot the last few days. Each meal I tell myself to enjoy, because it will be so long before I taste it again. I'm using that as an excuse to eat things that I haven't eaten in a long time. I KNEW that the 'last meal' syndrome would do me in. I have 2 weeks until surgery. I cannot use that time to gorge myself into oblivion.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a binge eater. I'm a crappy food eater. I want the butter with my potatoes, the chocolate with my ice cream, the cheese with my broccoli. I realized this morning that if I don't start to pull myself back, I'm going to gain weight before my surgery. There is just so much going on right now, and I need to learn to face my feelings rather than stuffing them with bad food choices.

I've only been going to the gym about 2 nights per week, which is like half of what I had planned. I'm pretty unhappy with myself right now, and feeling rather crappy. And crabby.

I'm still here

And with great news!

My surgery has been approved - AND scheduled!

I go under the knife April 3rd! Only 3 weeks away. So close - yet so far. There's so much to do and prepare for, both mentally and physically. I'm trying to not be overwhelmed by the whole thing. The closer it gets the more edgy I will be, especially because I have so many other things on my plate to deal with right now.

It will be hard to not allow myself to comfort eat, and will have to face my feelings head on. But, I'm ready. You can only do so much preparing, ya know?

Busy as a bee...

I haven't posted in a while, I know. I keep meaning to update, but life keeps getting away from me.

Oh, where to start?

Well...lets start with work, since that's what is taking up most of my time. I'm on a team of 3, and right now we're a man (well woman) down. Not only is she out for at least a month, but she was 3 months behind when she left! So my other teammate (I'll call him Jay) and I split up her work and have been slaving away at our keyboards. The nice thing is that my boss has allowed us overtime, and I could sorely use the money.

On another note, I had my sleep study last week! It was originally scheduled for March 5th, but they called me last thursday with a last minute opening - for that night! So I only worked an hour overtime, rushed to the store and grabbed the family dinner and rushed off to the hospital. It was surreal. I felt like a science experiment. I woke up SO many times that night. The technician told me that if I had 20 episodes of sleep apnea by 3 am they'd put the CPAP machine on, but luckily I only had 12. At least now I know I do have apnea, and that contributes why I'm so exhausted all the time.



Yesterday was my meeting with the surgeon. She's such a tiny little thing! And so very nice. She agreed that the bypass would be my best option, and told me that I could expect to lose anywhere from 90-120 lbs or more (depending on how active I am). She showed me where my scars would be, and gave me the pre-op diet. At this point they're submitting to my insurance and now it's just the waiting game! I'm literally on pins and needles!

I have to take my measurements and start before/after pictures. Every day I look in the mirror and think about how that person looking back at me is about to change. For the better, of course!

It really takes so little -

To slow me down.

Actually, I can't really complain. I've been to the gym almost every night this week (I skipped the night before V-Day). It's now Sunday and I haven't been all weekend. My hips and knee were getting so sore that I wanted to take a break. My plan was to return today, until....I fell down the stairs. It wasn't a bad fall, by any means, but I sprained the crap outta my ankle. There's some slight swelling and tenderness, but I am able to walk on it, so at least it's not broken.

I am gonna see how it does tomorrow, but plan on getting back into the gym tomorrow night. So instead of focusing on that, lets see how I've done this week:

2/9/12 - Recumbent bike - 20 minutes - 1.95 miles
2/10/12 - R. Bike - 26 minutes - 2 miles
2/12/12 - R. Bike - 25 minutes - 2.4 miles
2/14/12 - R. Bike - 30 minutes - 2.8 miles
2/15/12 - swimming - 45 min
2/16/12 - R. Bike - 38 minutes

I forgot to track how far I went on Thursday, but I put in extra time because I was watching american idol and wasn't even paying attention to the track. I go in and see the Nurse Practitioner for my physical tomorrow. Next week is the surgeon, then the sleep study!

Food wise had been a bit more difficult. While I'm slowing trading a protein shake for a meal, I'm also fighting the 'last meal' syndrome. And caffeine, my good friend. I am going to miss coffee very much. Trying to change my mental thinking from "I can't have that" to "I'm choosing to eat something healthier and better for me" is the hardest part of this journey. But if I can convince myself its a choice and not just a restriction thing, I think will serve me the best in the end.

Another step ahead

I met with the nutritionist today, and was so pleased with such a positive response. It was nice to be reminded that I've done a great job keeping off the 15 (ish) pounds. I guess I forget that stuff. It's easy to get lost in the big picture and forget all the little steps you take along the way.

She told me she's seen so many people (well women) struggle with PCOS and beat themselves up for things they later learn they have no control over. It is nearly impossible to lose weight if you have PCOS. She asked me if I was blogging my journey, telling me that she thinks it would help so many others out there with the same issues.

Also, while I was at my appt today, the surgeon's assistant let me know that she called around and couldn't find anybody to get me in any sooner for a sleep study, so I might as well keep my appointment. But she did say that since my insurance does not have any requirements, they'll be able to submit the request for authorization for surgery right after they get the results and estimates my surgery should be sometime in MARCH! Dang!

I am SO ready!

PS. I started at the gym today. I did 1.95 miles on the recumbent bike in 20 minutes. I didn't think that was too bad for my first time. Now to just make this a habit...

This ride gets faster and faster

So far I've had 3 appointments: Welcome group, Psychologist appt and REE testing (resting metabolic rate).

Imagine my surprise when the surgeon's office calls me today to schedule my initial consult with the surgeon! They said that the psych doctor released me for surgery and based on the information I provided on the questionnaire, didn't see any red flags.

So my remaining appointments now are:
2/7 PT
2/9 NUT
2/20 physical exam w/NP
2/27 surgical consult\
3/5 sleep study

The surgeon's office also said that they want me to try and get a sleep study completed sooner, so they're going to look into that as well (I had it scheduled through my private doctor).

My concern at this point is that we are nearing my birthday (April 18) and so I can't help but wonder if there's the chance of having surgery before my birthday. Part of me says to have it done asap; the other part of me says that I might want one last hurrah (but that might just be the fat me wanting to eat and drink the night away). My friends want to plan a night downtown at a drag show along with much drinking and carrying on (AND get a hotel room!). So I'm going to just wait it out and see what happens and try to follow my gut instinct as best I can.

Good things: I don't miss soda too much, and the not smoking isn't too bad. I'm still on the patch, preparing to drop down to step 3 (which is the lowest and last step). Quitting is so much easier with the patch! Now to really get into limiting my foods...

Tomorrow is the day

Not the BIG day, but the first day starting my journey!

Chuck and I are going in at 7 am for my bloodwork, then the welcome group and then I have to fill out the 350 question psych thingy. It's gonna be a loooooong day.

I haven't smoked for a week, and have dropped down a level on the patch already. It hasn't been too bad, but I've had a few moments here and there. Nothing like going cold turkey though.

I'm so very ready to get this process going. Ugh I can be so impatient sometimes!

So far...so good.

I quit smoking monday. And compared to last year, it hasn't been so bad. Last year was cold turkey, and it sucked. I was a mess. This time, I thought I'd try the patch, and I have to say it works rather well! I've even been able to go outside with Miss Kim and talk to her while she smoked (she'll be quitting the next few days anyway).

It hasn't been that bad, but I'm definitely edgy and easily provoked. Doesn't take much to get my panties in a twist, as they say. Every time the urge hits me I just remind myself why I'm making this change. My first appointment is in less than a week and I'm really excited. I'm trying to keep my patience in check, and I certainly have many other things on my plate to keep me occupied.

Actually...

That went pretty fast...didn't have to wait long at all! The doctor's office called me today, and set up my first few appointments. My first appointment is going to take half a day, and includes my initial seminar, blood work and the psych questionnaire. The 4 following appointments (that run about twice a week until Feb 20) will consist of meetings with the nutritionist, psychologist, physical therapist and nurse practitioner. I was told to expect probably one more appointment with each before I meet with the surgeon or take the next step toward surgery.

My first appointment is January 31. Less than 2 weeks away! I can't wait!

The Waiting Game

I hate waiting. I have the patience of a gnat. I know its a part of the process, but I tend to jump in feet first when I decide to do something. This is no different.

It has been almost a week since I first called the surgeon's office, and I called them again today, to see if there was an update. Of course there wasn't. They're still 'working on insurance', so I just gotta wait for them to call back.

In related news, I'm down 4 more lbs, making a total loss of 16 lbs (from my highest a year ago). Not having soda hasn't been too bad, even my husband quit too! He is really liking the crystal light tea with lemon. I have so far tried both strawberry and pink lemonade, which I think are ok, but tend to just drink plain water instead. I'm not a big fan of the fake sweetener after-taste.

We've almost completely cut out sweets, but I do cave once in a while. I am definitely noticing a direct correlation between extreme emotions and wanting certain foods. Chips/salsa, a pepsi, and some form of chocolate were always my go-to foods. I actually caved tonight and had some ice cream. I refuse to beat myself up for it, and choose to give myself a break once in a while, knowing that the road I'm on is going to get even tougher. I'm not going to have many opportunities to allow myself the option of caving in. So I'm trying to be kind to myself now.

As far as smoking, well I am quitting next week. One of my hair clients (oh yeah, I'm an 'ex' hairdresser who still does a little on the side) gave me some patches that she hadn't opened yet. It's the first step, so I'm worried they might be a little strong. That might actually be ok though, since the first week is the roughest. I just hope that the patch makes it easier to quit than cold turkey....that was rough.

So maybe my next post will be about my first appointment date! Fingers crossed!

Well that was easier than I thought...

So I went on Monday to my doctor for a referral to the surgeon. I'm going to be having surgery at the Good Sam hospital in Portland, with Dr. Valerie Halpin at the Weight Management Center for Excellence.

I was rather (pleasantly) surprised to find out that my Insurance does NOT require a referral, NOR pre-authorization! I called today, because Kristin (friend/co-worker) told me that referrals aren't required when you have a PPO. Fancy schmancy, I had no idea! So right away I call the office to set an appointment.

Apparently, though, you don't JUST set an appointment. They take a bunch of info over the phone, send documents to verify insurance, THEN call you back to set an appointment up. I tried to explain that my insurance doesn't require any pre-authorization, but they said it was standard protocol. They said that the first appointment takes about half a day, as I'll have to go through psych and medical testing, go to a support meeting, etc. THEN I'll be able to set an appt to see the surgeon, and will have to go through further testing and anything else the surgeon says I'll need. I was told that some people breeze through the process, others take longer because of other co-morbid conditions (like diabetes, etc).

My only hurdle is to quit smoking again. I have to be smoke free for at least 3 months before the surgery. Luckily, Kim (another co-worker/friend) is going to quit with me. I think I'll try the patch this time, maybe I won't be such a basket case the first couple of weeks. I feel rather lucky that I don't have a lot of health problems, and hope that it will help me heal rather quickly from the surgery. From what I've read (www.thinnertimesforum.com), a lot of people can be in the hospital a few days before going home. I want to take as little time off work as possible.

Ok, so maybe smoking isn't my only hurdle. The obvious is food. I went to the store tonight and for the first time I felt bombarded with all the crap. How easy it would be to throw some ice cream, or even chips into my cart! Instead I got my yogurt, grape nuts and cottage cheese for Chuck. We're also experimenting with Crystal Light. I got strawberry, Chuck got Iced Tea. He really likes his, I need to get used to the after-taste.

So thats about it. Just doing the plate method my nutritionist taught me. Completely cut out soda (harder than I thought!). Cut Chuck off too, though I have a feeling that he sneaks some in at work.

Now to sit and wait for the surgeon's office to call. And prep for not smoking. We're quitting after the big party for Tanya and Kristin next weekend. It's gonna be epic. For sure. Or as Kristin would say "fo shizzle". Wu-Tang for life!

A new beginning

As cliche as that may sound.

I just got this blog set up, and it's bedtime. But I promise to begin documenting my process to have the gastric bypass surgery soon. With pictures.

This is for my friends and supporters to keep in touch with my journey. If you don't agree with my choice, then call me and we can discuss it. Otherwise, please keep your own 'opinions' to yourself.

And I always post this...this is MY blog, with MY thoughts, MY feelings, MY experiences. If you get offended, or dislike what I say, there's a little red ex in the upper right corner you can click.

:)