The final stretch

My surgery is in 8 days.

I'm having mixed feelings. Which I honestly did not expect. I attacked this process like I do anything else, feet first. I hit full force and don't stop until either I've completed my task or I've grown completely bored with it and walk away.

I'm not backing out, and I haven't completed the process. I feel like I'm in a weird state of limbo, and left to my own devices. The kids are gone for spring break, so I find myself with a bit more free time than I'm used to. And that finds me thinking. And thinking. And thinking.

What am I about to do to myself? Am I sure this is what I want?

So worry and doubt creep in, which isn't how I usually handle things. Like I said, I usually jump in feet first, which rarely gives any time for thinking and worrying about the outcome. So here I sit, thinking and worrying, wondering how long I'll regret my decision after it becomes permanent.

I'm doing better with my pre-op diet now, and am spending this week weaning myself off coffee. I found out last week that the short-term disability coverage at my work doesn't start until the day of surgery. Since it's on a Tuesday, I'd have to take vacation for Monday if I want it off. So it looks like I'll be working, which is going to suck since I'll be on clear liquids all day. I have a feeling I'm going to be a roller coaster of emotions since I'll be hungry and anxious and excited all at the same time. I am certainly looking forward to some time off from work!

Emotions

They can really get the best of me. And being on this journey has made me realize just how emotional of a person I really am. And how much I rely on food to drive the vehicle.

The closer surgery gets, the more emotional I am. Makes sense, right? I've been on auto-pilot the last few days. Each meal I tell myself to enjoy, because it will be so long before I taste it again. I'm using that as an excuse to eat things that I haven't eaten in a long time. I KNEW that the 'last meal' syndrome would do me in. I have 2 weeks until surgery. I cannot use that time to gorge myself into oblivion.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a binge eater. I'm a crappy food eater. I want the butter with my potatoes, the chocolate with my ice cream, the cheese with my broccoli. I realized this morning that if I don't start to pull myself back, I'm going to gain weight before my surgery. There is just so much going on right now, and I need to learn to face my feelings rather than stuffing them with bad food choices.

I've only been going to the gym about 2 nights per week, which is like half of what I had planned. I'm pretty unhappy with myself right now, and feeling rather crappy. And crabby.

I'm still here

And with great news!

My surgery has been approved - AND scheduled!

I go under the knife April 3rd! Only 3 weeks away. So close - yet so far. There's so much to do and prepare for, both mentally and physically. I'm trying to not be overwhelmed by the whole thing. The closer it gets the more edgy I will be, especially because I have so many other things on my plate to deal with right now.

It will be hard to not allow myself to comfort eat, and will have to face my feelings head on. But, I'm ready. You can only do so much preparing, ya know?